Thursday, January 19, 2012

Pulse Check: A Year and a Half In

Four posts in a week? Go ahead, pick your jaw off the floor. Now let me tell you my little secret. It's called the "Post Options" button on blogspot. It allows me to write posts and schedule them to be posted later. So instead of lesson planning on my long weekend off, I pre-wrote 4 blogs. Productive? Yes. The kind of productive that pays the bills? Not quite. However, I did promise an update on my current state, a year and a half in to this crazy experience. So it goes.

Around the same time last year, I wrote a blog about the importance of keeping my balance, of taking care of myself AND working hard. I can't remember exactly what I was feeling like then, mostly because I think my brain has blacked out those memories. But I do remember sitting on the edge of my bathtub, the furthest place I could hide myself in the house without anyone hearing me, and crying my eyes out many a night in January. Whatever I was telling people, I was probably lying. Of course I wasn't okay. My kids were practically declaring mutiny in my classroom. I worked from 7 am to 11 pm, stopping only to drive home from school and the occasional meal. And still, it didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. I think that whole taking care of myself thing eventually turned into drinking a glass of wine a night while simultaneously stifling sobs and cursing at SMART Notebook software for not being able to create powerpoints via telepathy. If I remember correctly, I was a hot mess.

February and March weren't any better. The only thing that kept me sane after losing our February work day to snow was a two-day middle school conference in Greensboro that gave me a three-day work week. I was dying for something to look forward to, and two paid days "off" (a free stay at a hotel and a conferece? That's practically Christmas to me!) were my golden ticket.

I'm pretty sure February was also the month I started bribing my children with baked goods. It may have been even earlier than that. But I distinctly remember the downward spiral of my classroom management for which cupcakes and juice became a band-aid, a way to temporarily cover up the problem.

So the question...is it better now? Is second year really that much different?

The answer is....YES.

I still clock in close to 55 hours a week at school. I still work my butt off, and I still have to create new lessons because, let's be honest, I had no idea what the heck I was doing last year. And at the beginning of the year, I was still working for hours a night at home, too. But the results are so much different. Children actually listen to me. Most of them respect me, and a lot of them are learning from me. I still have discipline issues, but most of them can be solved with a conversation rather than a referral (I've only written TWO referrals for behavior so far this year. The rest have been for cutting class or tardies, which are required according to school policy. Knock on wood!). And at the end of the day, I leave feeling happy, not defeated, hurt, or discouraged.

Why are things so different this year? I think there are several reasons.

I'm definitely a better teacher than I was last year. I have a better understanding of what's important, what the kids will struggle with, how to help students who are struggling. I still have a long way to go before I am a truly effective teacher, but that's one of the best (and sometimes most frustrating) things about teaching: you can always get better.

I'm not new. The kids I have this year saw me around school last year, so they know about me. And I have much more confidence this time around. I can say things like, "I'm not going to yell, you're just going to be quiet," and they work. It's beautiful. I'm also not afraid to tell a student to "sit your tail down".

My team. I can't say it enough. The women I work with are amazing. They are so much fun, they are all good at what they do, and we work really well together. We have a small class of just over 100 7th graders, so there is only one teacher per subject, and we all teach all the kids. I think this helps us with consistency, and we all teach our own subject, so we aren't being compared to each other. The kids know we are all on the same page, too, and that we tell each other everything, so they rarely succeed at pulling anything over on us.

Taking care of myself...and I don't just mean drinking a glass of red wine. These past few weeks, I have found a new rhythm. I spend a few hours each weekend planning the whole week ahead, printing the resources, making the powerpoints, etc. During the week, I stay a little later at school making copies for the next day and getting my classroom set up. When I go home, I rarely even open my work bag. I've graded some papers here and there, but for the most part, when I'm home, I'm done. Last week especially, I realized just how much time I was spending on lesson plans, which always have to be adjusted as you go anyway. In fact, three out of five days last week I showed up at school and changed my lesson plans 30 minutes before school started, and things went perfectly fine. I use my time at home instead to actually cook real meals (bacon wrapped chicken, broccoli and cheese calzones, and garlic cheddar chicken were on the menu last week), go to the gym, read, watch Jeopardy, and just relax. I feel like a new person, and I actually look forward to school the next day. Let's hope this can continue.

God's grace and mercy. Obviously. Right before starting school back from winter break, I was sitting on my back patio in unseasonably warm weather, staring across our pond to the government housing on the other side, worrying about my babies. Worrying that I'm not enough for them. That what I'm doing won't be enough to get them to pass the EOG. That it won't be enough to get them out of their town, their economic situation. That I'm just not enough. In the stillness of that beautiful day, God lifted that burden from my heart and said to me, "Let go. You loving them is enough." And I believe it.

I can name at least 15 kids who have no hope of passing the EOG. Please don't misinterpret that as a lack of faith in my children. The educational system in their county, in this country, has failed them for so many years in a row that it would take divine intervention for them to pass a 7th grade test. But I was reminded very clearly as I sat in my backyard on that first day in January that this is all about so much more than that state test.

Definitely singing a different tune than last year. Praise the Lord for that!

Oh, and praise the Lord for teacher work days--two Mondays off in a row!

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