Tough Transitions

When I logged on to my blog, I’m pretty certain I could hear the crickets are chirping. Loudly.

I’ve been so quiet because this summer and school year have taken a different turn than I expected, and quite honestly, I’ve had a hard time being positive about it all. I can’t imagine anyone still reads this anymore, but I felt the need to write it all down so I could come back to it down the road and remember what I learned from this experience.

Last November, I had a conversation with our school leadership team about taking over as the Math Instructional Coach for the 2014 - 2015 school year. I had immediate reservations - my passion is teaching children, not adults, and I had no experience doing anything else. I was overwhelmed at the idea of taking on the responsibility for now 4 grade levels of curriculum and data, when my experience in Tennessee has only been in the 6th grade. I felt inadequate and unprepared and uninvested in this new role.

The more I thought about it, though, the more reservations I had about not taking the role, if only for selfish reasons - if I didn’t do it, someone else would come in and take over the math department. Someone else would be telling me what to do, and potentially that someone else didn’t have the same vision for our kids and our curriculum that I had worked so hard to build. Eventually, I agreed to take the job and started my new role officially in the second week of June.

I had no idea what I had gotten myself into.

It was a rough transition, starting with only one week off after an exhausting school year. The summer was filled with curriculum work that I didn’t know I had signed up for, including writing comprehensive assessments and foundational curricular documents for two grade levels, one of which I had no experience teaching. I was spinning my wheels for 12, 14, sometimes 18 hours a day, often feeling like I had no idea what I was doing with little faith in the quality of the work I was producing. There were nights I couldn’t sleep because I was so anxious, so I’d stop trying to fight it, bring my laptop in bed, and keep working until it was time to get up.

I felt unsuccessful, unsupported, and unfulfilled for those first few weeks in June and July, and it only got worse when we started planning for teachers’ arrival. I had no idea what it meant to “coach” teachers, especially around curriculum I wasn’t familiar with, and I had a crop of brand new teachers coming in who were going to need support in ways that were out of my comfort zone. I was still planning curriculum, but now I was also trying to plan and deliver professional development sessions, meet with teachers to help them design their first set of unit plans, lesson plans, and vision documents, and then provide feedback on their final products.

In the meantime, I was struggling to maintain a relationship with my best friend in Nashville, who became my boss with the new role (spoiler alert: this attempt was unsuccessful), and just generally take care of myself. I was unhappy both personally and professionally, and there was no end in sight.

When school started and kids arrived, I felt the ache of not being in the classroom immediately. As I watched my teachers do what I love, I was jealous and heartbroken. My primary responsibilities were observing and coaching teachers in their classrooms, meeting with them once a week to develop instructional practices, and continuing to develop network-wide assessments, none of which were fully satisfying to me. I was being developed in a way that didn’t feel particularly relevant or meaningful, and was often being treated in a way that was unsettling. I think it’s safe to say my parents were worried about me, and while I was certainly unhappy, I also knew that being unhappy with a solid job, a place I love, and a couple of really great friends in Nashville, TN is way better than the mental state I was in 3 years ago in North Carolina.

While this is not the most uplifting post in the world, it was my reality for the better part of the first semester. Like everything else, it was a huge learning experience, and I’ve come to appreciate the insight I’ve gained from struggling to figure out this new role. Potentially one of my favorite parts about this job is that it has allowed me to step back and really investigate what it takes to be a great teacher - my ultimate goal - and even practice some of those skills in isolation. I’ve seen my teachers develop some amazing habits and celebrated successes with them and their students (that’s another one of my favorite parts - I know all 400+ students in the building because I spend so much time in classrooms). I’ve built relationships with my teachers that have translated into mutual respect and genuine passion for our content and our kids. I’ve had time and space to learn how to develop curriculum that is way more aligned and rigorous than I’ve written in the past. And perhaps the most surprising benefit has been a healthier work-life balance - after surviving an incredibly brutal summer and first few months of school, I’ve figured out how to manage my time so that I rarely take work home and don’t have to arrive at school before the sun rises. In fact, one of my New Years resolutions is to get involved in hobbies outside of work, now that I have the capacity to do so.

There is so much to be grateful for, and although it was very hard to see in the moment, this transition and these challenges have made me a better teacher and a better version of myself. I am proud of the work I've done thus far, but I'm very much looking forward to the opportunity to continue to grow and eventually get back to what I love to do most - teaching kiddos. Fingers crossed that will be an option in the next year.

A Few of My Favorite Things: Spring 2014

Although school is out for the summer, work is actually pretty stressful right now because of a new role I'm taking on. More about that later. For now, I need to revel in the glory that was Spring 2014 outside of work.

In April, my aunt was in town for a conference, so my mom flew in to spend time with us both! We had dinner on Broadway, saw a show at the Grand Ole Opry (my first!), and they helped me redecorate my bedroom and do a few projects around my place. It was a short visit, but it gave me something to look forward to during the week. Does it surprise anyone that Deb travels with her staple gun?

At the end of April, I completed my second half marathon. Very intentionally, I only told a few people that I was training, so it was a bit of a surprise to even my family. The idea was born out of some serious reflection around New Years. As I was thinking about my "resolutions", I realized that I often make resolutions simply because it's tradition. With the best of intentions, I pick some overly vague or painfully specific goal that I know I'll never actually meet, and feel guilty when I ultimately don't follow through. This year, I knew what I wanted for myself was just a healthier lifestyle physically and emotionally: better work/life balance, healthier eating habits, fulfilling relationships, and to just feel healthier than I did in 2013. I don't actually know what possessed me to make a half marathon part of that goal because I didn't have the best experience my first time around, but I started training the first of January (so cliche, I know). In addition, I made cooking/eating healthier a priority and become more intentional about balancing my work obligations and my personal life.

What's crazy is that I actually enjoyed both training for and running the half marathon this time around - that's some serious growth from a few summers ago. And I know the reason - I was doing it for myself, and I wasn't accountable to anyone else. That's why I didn't tell anyone that I was running except for a few close friends in Nashville, who noticed I was going to the gym a lot more often. In fact, even those friends didn't know I was running for sure until the day before - I told them I was only running it if I felt like it the morning of the race. I wanted to run because I wanted to, not because people expected me to. Training for the race gave me a reason to leave work at a reasonable hour, to take time to enjoy the beautiful weather on the weekends, and gave me a sense of accomplishment and progress that was never evaluated by anyone else. It was my thing. One of my other friends was also training, and it was helpful to have someone else to motivate me, but at the end of the day I was committed to it for myself and only myself. Race day turned out to be a beautiful day weather-wise, and I even shaved 12 minutes off my last time. Two of my good friends from work came to the finish line to cheer us on, and I was proud to cross knowing how hard I had worked to get there.

A lot of fun things have happened in May. Cinco de Mayo was a bit of a let down, seeing as how all the Mexican restaurants had ridiculously long waits (we should have seen that coming), but the six of us had our own celebration at one of my friends' places instead. This picture is pretty typical of us:

A few of us also hit the Pedal Tavern one weekend to celebrate another friend's birthday. The Pedal Tavern is basically a bar on wheels, with a driver to steer you through downtown traffic as you and 10 of your friends pedal your hearts out to make the vehicle move approximately 4 miles per hour. If you think about it too much, you realize that you are actually paying to pedal your own way around town and drink your own beer, but it was a blast nonetheless. Following that adventure, I took my second shot at kareoke and enjoyed every second of it.

Memorial Day weekend, I went to Cincinnati to see a very dear friend from Teach for America get married. It was fun to catch up with some friends I haven't seen since we left North Carolina, and the wedding and the bride were absolutely beautiful.

This past weekend we celebrated kids being gone for the summer with two fun events: Brew at the Zoo and our end of year staff party. Brew at the Zoo is a craft beer festival at the Nashville Zoo, yet both years I have gone I haven't seen more than one or two animals. This year it rained on and off, but it is still one of my favorite Nashville events.

Shockingly, I have no pictures from the staff party, even though it's one of the few times all year we leave our teacher cardigans behind and actually get dressed up. Our leadership team put on a great party, renting out space from a local coffee shop, providing some great food, drinks, and even presents. A group of us went out on the town afterwards - it was the perfect way to celebrate another great year and two months with no kiddos :).

This Sunday, we had our last Sunday night dinner with the regular Happy Hour crew - one of our Original Six is moving back to Chicago to be closer to her family. It was the first time in a while that we had had a normal Sunday night dinner, and it was bittersweet. Tomorrow will be our last official day of work for this school year, so it will be a tough day of goodbyes.

This week at work has been mostly focused on reflecting on this past year and thinking about what lessons we've learned that we can apply to next school year. As I said earlier, I'm transitioning into a new role, which has made this week a little more stressful than normal. Look out for details about that new role as soon as I have a chance to breathe again.

Things to look forward to: my cousin visiting Nashville, going home for a baptism and to see some very important people, and summer time in general. Stay tuned!

Happy Wednesday!

It's The Nerdiest Time Of The Year

It's state testing week, which means things are getting really nerdy around here. Yesterday, our kids took the math test, so all of the math teachers wore our appropriate gear to encourage them.

I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned in my past four years of teaching, because 2010 Courtney would have let the pressure of the state test drown her in a fit of worry and fear. And while I was hoping to feel more confident about what I saw the kiddos do yesterday, I also know that worrying about it for the next three weeks will not change their scores. What's done is done, que sera sera.

Obviously there have been other things going on outside of state testing in the past three months, but that's about all the capacity I have to write at the moment. More to come, as soon as I recover from my TCAP hangover.

4 Life Lessons I've Learned From Work

As is natural, winter break and the New Year brought with them plenty of opportunities for reflection. As is also natural, the start of the school year has left me little time to get those thoughts out anywhere other than the Notes app of my iPhone, in a jumbled mess of random sentences. Last weekend, the beautiful weather and an attempt at work-life balance inspired me to wade through some of those thoughts and start to string them together into something that actually made sense. Because my job consumes the majority of my life, the recurring theme ended up being "lessons I've learned from work". What's neat is that although I started out thinking about how much I've grown in my career, I realized that many of these lessons have also transferred over to my personal life, in ways that make me feel a little more grown up. While I continue to grow into my "teacher self", I'm also learning quite a bit about being my normal self, too. And because my generation is obsessed with articles and blogs written as a list, I'm going for it. So here it is. My first attempt at a New Year’s post, and in true Ms H fashion, a month late.

4 Life Lessons I’ve Learned From Work (so far)

1. Being a problem-solver is much more efficient than being a complainer/stresser/crier.

Let me preface this by saying while I have made tremendous strides in managing stress and tears, I have recently become very aware of how much I complain, and it’s not pretty. Complaining is easier than say, actually fixing a problem. But as I developed my vision for my kids to become problem-solvers, I’ve been more and more motivated to become one myself. Have a lot of work to do, and a weekend full of fun plans ahead? Parcel out weekday planning time, wake up 30 minutes earlier to tackle one additional “to-do”, and keep reminding yourself of the reward that is to come in the end. Minutes spent worrying, panicking, complaining and crying are minutes that could be spent being finding a solution and being productive towards an end goal.

2. Knowing your strengths is equally as important as knowing your weaknesses.

I’d venture to say the average woman is more acutely aware of her weaknesses than her strengths, both professionally and personally. I’ve read blogs, magazine articles, and studies (I realize none of these sound legit, but run with me here) that claim that women are more naturally self-deprecating than men, and everything I’ve seen in reality has confirmed this. I am surrounded by the most amazing women both in Nashville and at home, yet we still seem to always find ways to harp on our faults. (Do men do this, too?)

Admitting to and developing our weaknesses seems like the most logical way to grow and improve. But recognizing and acknowledging my strengths has been one of the most powerful forms of development for me professionally, and has also made me incredibly happy. I’m a better teacher than I was three months ago precisely because I know what I’m good at, and I enjoy using that knowledge to continue to evolve as an educator. And tackling those areas of weakness seems much more manageable when I am aware of how to leverage my strengths in the process.

This one is a little harder to transfer to my personal life, but it is certainly present. I’m more aware of what I have to offer, and what I deserve in relationships, even if it has meant getting hurt in the process. It's cliche, but I am beginning to believe that it is all a part of self-discovery. Coming out on the other side of a frustrating or painful situation illuminates how strong you are.

3. What you do and say reflects what you value.

Regardless of what you want people to think you value, they make their own assumptions based on what you say and do. I learned this lesson from spending time “on stage” in front of children who often make subconscious decisions based on what they think is important to me. In class, I am quick to say that math “isn’t just about the right answer”. But in reflecting on my kids’ progress thus far this year, I was frustrated when I realized that many of my kids still have the mindset that the right answer is all that matters. It became clear to me that while my vision for kids to value reason and thought processes and clever strategies was plainly written in a document on my computer, it wasn’t alive in my classroom. Kids heard me validate their classmates for giving accurate answers or for earning a perfect score on a quiz or a test; in turn, they sought praise and success through finding the right answer. (Which, quite frankly, is against everything I believe about math education.)

Since this painful reality check, my focus has shifted to putting the spotlight on kids who are demonstrating the characteristics of true problem-solvers: kids who are thinking creatively, showing grit through a tough problem, taking a risk by disagreeing with a teammate, finding and fixing their own mistakes, and asking insightful questions. Now, I feel confident that while they still want to ultimately arrive at the right answer, my students also know that there is so much more to math. They know this not because I say "The answer isn't what's important!" on repeat, but because it lives subtly in what I narrate and model every day.

In my personal life, I want where I invest my time to reflect what I value. I want what I say and do to align to what I actually believe and care about. I want the way I treat others to be a true reflection of just how much I love and care about them, even when it's hard or exhausting. I want the same from the people who mean the most to me, and I don't want to settle for less.

4. Numbers don’t tell the whole story.

Most of our kids come to us significantly below grade level in reading and math, which translates to failing grades in all classes. I think specifically of one sweet baby who started the year at a second grade reading level, who had never memorized his multiplication facts, and who could not add or subtract in his head (thus he could not answer virtually a single question in a sixth grade math class). Not to mention had a general apathy toward school and homework.

Because of constant encouragement, his hard work, lots of voracious reading, and daily math tutoring, that same sweet baby is a master at mental math (outperforming some of his on-grade-level peers) and has grown over 2 years in reading. Unfortunately, his report card does not reflect this incredible progress, because the reality is, he is still unable to perform at a sixth grade level. But the amount of growth we have seen in this child since day one is incredible, even if the numbers don’t quite show it.

This same rationale has been one of the most liberating for me in terms of my personal life. Being healthy had previously meant being a certain weight, not surpassing a certain number of calories, and working out a certain number of minutes a day, goals that I never seemed to quite hit. Being beautiful meant being a certain size or height or having a certain number of relationships to speak of. And being successful meant earning a certain salary or having a certain number of years of experience. But ironically, in my four years since becoming a math teacher, those numbers seem irrelevant to me. Sure, I still have moments where they seem to define me, especially when I’m allowing myself to be compared to others. But for the most part, I’ve embraced who I am and what I have for what they are worth - which is a whole lot more than any number could ever mean. Because those numbers can't explain to you how happy I am, how healthy I feel, and how thankful I am for what I have.

So despite how hard it is...

...I have learned so much from my job in the past year and a half, and I'm thankful for the ways it is developing me as a teacher and as a person. Heck, maybe all of these sudden revelations have nothing to do with work. Maybe the credit is due to my now-fully-developed pre-frontal cortex, thanks to hitting the milestone age of 25, and my newfound ability to be reasonable, control impulses and make sound decisions. Regardless, they all have stemmed from some serious reflection this past month, some of it forced through mid-year evaluations at work, and some of it a natural process that comes with welcoming the New Year.

Winter Break

As always...long over due. And like last time, I'm exhausted and the easiest way to update is through pictures. So here goes...

Winter Break started with a road trip home. I split the 9 hour trip into two days, staying over night about halfway in Bristol. While I'm usually a fan of driving straight through without stopping (except to fill up for gas), I really enjoyed the luxury of staying in a hotel, as well as waking up and only having half the trip left.

The night I got home was also the 11th annual Christmas party with the girls. We continued the tradition with a sleepover, only this time there was an adorable baby to cuddle with when we woke up in the morning. Hard to believe it's been 11 years, 3 weddings (another coming up), 1 baby, 5 cities and 2 continents. I wouldn't have missed our party for the world.

After a few quiet days at home with my parents, the house filled up with my grandparents, Amanda, and her boyfriend. Christmas came and went fast this year, and as always, Mom outdid herself. See proof below.

We spent Christmas night at our neighbors' house in our pajamas, my favorite way to end the holiday. Before heading back to Nashville, the whole family swung down to North Carolina to spend time with more family, where one of my favorite pictures from the week was taken:

I loved being home for the holidays, and as always it was tough to leave. But knowing that I still had a week of vacation ahead of me in Nashville made it a little easier.

For the next week, my friends and I tried new restaurants, went to see a movie (American Hustle), stayed out late, watched various sports events (on TV and live!) and went shopping for our respective homes. I felt more relaxed than I could ever remember on a break, and I know it's because I had time to simply be in my own space and enjoy life in Nashville. I felt like a real person! I loved getting to do "normal" things like go to a coffee shop in the morning or the gym in the early afternoon (although I'd imagine that isn't actually normal for most people).

This was also the first New Years that I've ever actually been "out". AR, AB and I bought tickets to see the same 90's cover band we saw on Halloween, after exchanging Christmas gifts and feasting on delicious Thai food. I definitely had to drink some coffee before we went out to ensure that I wouldn't lose any steam before midnight, and it worked like a charm. We had a blast at the concert, and topped off the celebration with a sleepover and brunch at a cool Midtown restaurant the next day.

The rest of break was split between lesson planning, organizing and cleaning my condo, trying new recipes, and running errands, reading books, and enjoying the time off.

The icing on the cake was an extra work day for teachers when the "polar vortex" made its home in Nashville. Because of the "dangerously low" temperatures and our building's lack of a heating system, school was canceled for kids the Tuesday they were supposed to come back, so it was a short week and a great way to ease ourselves back into a routine. This also meant I was able to get all my work done before the weekend and enjoy one last stress-free weekend before it got real again.

This week has been a bit of an adjustment, and I'm incredibly exhausted, but I'm also happy. Coming up: a post about my New Year's resolutions, a work update, and eventually, a recap of a road trip to Atlanta (happening this weekend!). Stay tuned.

Back From Hiatus

It's been so long since I've posted that the web address for my blog didn't even autofill in the browser bar. Yikes.

As is always true when I sit down to blog, there is so much going through my head that I don't know where to begin. So I'll start with some photo recaps of the past few months.

In October, I decided to drive home with one of my good friends from home, Meaghan, to see the girls and baby Nora. Baby girl is the most adorable baby I have ever laid eyes on, and she is surrounded by so many people that adore her. Try to tell me you've seen a cuter baby. I won't believe you.

November flew by, thanks to a friend's wedding, a visit from mom and dad, Friendsgiving and a five-day weekend to celebrate Thanksgiving in Salem.

A friend from TFA got married near Cincinnati, OH, and I had a great time catching up with friends to celebrate her big day. The following weekend, mom and dad visited for the taping of the Country Music Christmas special, and we had a great time. It was a shorter trip than usual, but it helped make November feel full and exciting. We even found Deacon's house from the show Nashville - it's less than a mile from my place! Dad also finally tried a hot dog from the wiener truck, I Dream Of Weenie. I think it got his approval.

We definitely outdid ourselves with our second annual Friendsgiving celebration. I can't even remember what we did for food last year - it obviously wasn't good enough to be memorable. This year, though, we decided to bring our a-game, and everyone made at least one Thanksgiving dish for a potluck at my place. I am my mother's daughter - I couldn't miss an opportunity to set the table a little fancier than usual, complete with chargers, cloth napkins, and place cards. It almost felt like we were real adults (almost!). Instead of going around the table and saying what we were thankful for, we wrote things down (both funny and serious) on slips of paper, put them in a jar, and read them out loud as we ate. It was both hilarious and humbling. I have so much to be thankful for, including an amazing family of friends in Nashville.

Thanksgiving break brought with it 3 week days plus a whole weekend of vacation, and I headed to Salem Wednesday morning. It's the first time we've been to Salem as a family in years, and it was an absolute blast. It was great to see both sides of the family, although it never feels like quite enough time. One of the highlights of the weekend was hanging out with 3 of my cousins at a bar where my uncle was playing. Crazy that we are (almost) all old enough to be at a bar together - how time flies!

There's been plenty of Christmas cheer around here since Thanksgiving. I decorated my tree almost immediately upon returning to Nashville, and have been listening to Christmas music for weeks now. Although my condo doesn't even come close to being as festive as mom and dad's I've got a few decorations scattered around that will for now. Last week we watched the governor light the Christmas tree in front of the capitol building while Lee Brice sang "Silent Night" - gotta love Nashville.

This past weekend was full of festivities. Saturday morning Ashley and I participated in the Ugly Sweater Run. It was a 5K non-race with hot chocolate stations along the way and two beers waiting at the finish line. Although it was freezing cold and snowing the whole time, we had a blast people-watching and got a great workout in the process.

Saturday night was our staff holiday party, and Sunday evening a few of us went to the Matt Wertz Christmas concert, where Dave Barnes made a special appearance (and I almost fainted). Up next: Dave Barnes Christmas concert this weekend, followed by our friends Christmas party. And only 8 more days of school before a luxurious two weeks off to re-cooperate.

Work updates to come soon. I'm feeling pretty uninspired to write after an 11-hour work day.

Happy Monday!

A Teacher's Workday

This about sums up why I haven't posted in two months.

A Teacher's Workday