From 2010 to 2011

Most days, I love to write, for many reasons. It's a way to release everything you are thinking. It's a way to capture raw emotions, and a way to relive memories that would otherwise have escaped my cluttered brain. And at the start of a new year, it's a way to reflect on where you are, where you've been, and where you're going. This time last year, I took a break from packing to write a letter to my future self, the January 1, 2012 Courtney. I remembered this letter as I crawled into bed on New Years Eve Eve, and couldn't resist opening it to see what I had to say, even though it was a few days early. And then of course I couldn't resist posting it for the world wide web to see. No but really, it's a fun idea, you should try it. The hardest part is waiting until the whole year later to reread it! So it goes....



January 1, 2011

Dear January 1, 2012 Courtney,

It is amazing to me to think about how little I could have predicted about the year 2010 at this time last year. I cannot even believe that it was just one year ago that I was still in college, living in a dorm, writing papers, and living what I thought was a relatively constrained life. I was dying to graduate, to get out there into the wide open world, and to have freedom. Freedom from school, freedom from my parents, and freedom from schedules dictated to me by a registrar and a bunch of professors.

Now, looking back, that life seem so easy, and so far away. This year brought so many big changes with it. Changes I could never have imagined, and may not necessarily have chosen had I known what they would bring. But I’ll stand firm in my belief that God has me here for a reason, right where I’m supposed to be, as I start another year.

I never could have imagined at this time last year that 2010 would be dominated by Teach For America. When January 1 rolled around, I was getting ready to spend a month in Chicago, wondering if the airline industry could be a possibility for a future job. I was finishing up my application for the teaching assistantship in France, which seemed like the most likely job opportunity. I had absolutely no idea how drastically different my life was going to be in the second half of the year.

Now, here I am, a seventh grade math teacher, trying to survive without going crazy, or killing a child. Teaching has brought so many emotions, challenges, and even a little bit of joy. I have worked harder than I ever have in my life, with no end in sight. That’s one of the biggest differences between this job and everything else I’ve ever done. When I was in school, all my work resulted in good grades and eventually high honors. My extracurricular activities boosted my resume and landed me a spot in a highly regarded program. Exercising makes me feel better and helps me lose weight. But lesson planning, grading, and teaching seem to only bring frustration, exhaustion, and more work.

That being said, I feel excited to go back to work. I absolutely love the team of teachers I work with. They have been fantastic, fun, and incredibly welcoming, and I feel at home at my school. I know when I get in the car tomorrow to drive back to North Carolina, I’ll cry my eyes out and feel the weight of it all on my shoulders. The burdens of my kids, the stress of running a classroom, and the loneliness that infiltrates my heart. But I also know that Monday morning, I’ll get to see some pretty incredible people. I am even excited to see my kids, to start fresh, and to hit the ground running. It helps that we have a holiday and 2 work days in the month of January to look forward to, as well.

This winter break, I feel like I avoided spending time with friends. It was too hard emotionally; I felt like if I spent too much time with people I would not want to go back to North Carolina and would slip into depression. Instead, I read books, played Banagrams with my parents, and ran errands to keep me busy. I hope this year I’ve found a better balance and have more control over my emotions.

Here’s what I’m hoping for, praying for, and thinking about 2011.

I hope that I take at least one big trip in 2011, whether it is to Europe or an American road trip or even a beach trip. Something that requires packing a bag for a week and celebrating my first year of teaching.

I also know that with the state of our school system, there is a possibility that I won’t be at my school after my first year. While I pray that this is not the case, I abide in the knowledge that God provides.

I really hope that I’m still living at Charleston Place with at least Lojo, if not Lojo and Krista both. I love that house and would NOT want to have to deal with moving again.

I hope and pray that this is the year that I start to see God’s love more clearly in my life. I have always been one to overlook the little things that God does to care for me everyday, and I want to become more cognizant of His hand on my life. I hope that as I’m reading this on the last day of the year, I’m able to look back and point out dozens of blessings that God has poured out on me, because I know they are always abundant.

I hope that the first 4 months of my second school year (if this is applicable) have brought with them peace that was definitely not present the first time around. I hope that as I’m getting ready to head back for the second half of the year that I am at least considering staying for a third year. And I hope that we have made progress in our scores, enough to keep the state believing that we can do it.

So many things to look forward to, and so many reasons to be thankful. I hope that this letter brings me joy and a sense of accomplishment, not for myself but for the kingdom (FTK!). I cannot wait to reflect on the ups and downs of another year.

Love,

2010 Courtney