Week three is coming to a close and I have such mixed emotions. Most days, it's a struggle to get out of bed, more because my alarm goes off at 5:00 am than because I don't want to go to school. By the time I get up, put the finishing touches on my lesson, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, pack lunch, and get in the car, I'm almost always ready to face the day ahead. And it helps that we're greeted by a beautiful sunrise every morning as we turn the corner onto the main road where Enfield Middle sits quietly, awaiting the hustle and bustle of students to fill the halls.
Today was not one of those days. As I stare blankly at the empty desks before me, two hours after the students have left, I can't help but wonder what I'm doing wrong. Three days in a row my last period class has been literally out of control. Yesterday, I had to have a teacher across the hall come over and reign them in. My voice just isn't loud enough to bellow over the voices of 18 twelve year olds. They were up on their feet, for the second day in a row, yelling insults at each other. A boy and a girl were ready to fight. Another girl laughed in my face when I demanded that she sit down, and then promptly yelled, "I ain't gotta do nothing!" in my face. Chaos, I tell you. Ms. Pitt came in, I watched her class, and she did whatever it is she does that made them get silent and start copying definitions from a math book. When I came back in, we moved the 7 students who never give me problems to the front of the room so we could continue with the lesson, while the other students continued to copy from the book. Of course, as soon as Ms. Pitt left the room there was noise from the others, and I ended up having 8 students on silent lunch today. I left yesterday feeling defeated and embarrassed. But at least someone can now see just how out of control my class it.
I spent my planning period today calling every single one of their parents. I got in touch with some, left messages for others, and found that some phone numbers did not work. But those parents that I did speak to were all very supportive and promised to talk to their students. No one wants to see their kids fail, and that's exactly what is happening to almost all of my 8th period kids. It's frustrating, exhausting, embarrassing, and frankly, just pathetic. These kids have never really learned the importance of school and have very little motivation to do well. I want them to see the world, to see what they are missing outside of the little towns of Scotland Neck and Enfield, and see where they can go with an education. But how?
I dreaded school today because I did not want to face a room full of 12 year olds after I so obviously buckled under pressure. I even had a kid in Ms. Pitt's class say, "Miss H, why you over here? I thought you could handle kids." Well, darling, I can handle normal children. And in smaller groups. But 18 out of my 25 kids on their feet and screaming? Welp, not so much. I have to figure out what makes these kids tick. What consequences will make them "hurt"? What's going to motivate them to do really well in my class? I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm not giving up.
I'm tired, I'm annoyed, I'm frustrated, I'm overwhelmed, but most of all, I'm sad (ok, most of all, I'm tired. But for the sake of the argument...). I'm sad because so many of these kids are just being pushed through the system, and they're losing their opportunity to change their lives. They have NO idea what they are missing, and they may never know. And I'm sad that I have to be the "mean" teacher to have any semblance of control over my classroom.
Five lesson plans due tomorrow, plus I have to create a quiz. I have a feeling that my eyelids may win the battle tonight, though. I am really looking forward to this weekend, to finally get caught up on sleep and maybe even plan a little in advance for once. Oh, such high hopes.
Oh, and my latest phone conversation with Akila:
A: "Hey Miss H!"
Me: "Hey, who's this?"
A: "You don't know my voice by now? This Akila!"
Me: "Hi Akila. What are you doing."
A: "Nothing, just taking a bath."
Really??
At the end of our conversation:
A: "Alright Miss H, I'ma call you later after I get out of the tub."
Me: "See you tomorrow, Akila."
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